Where do I even start with this Tuesday edition of Screencaps after one of the most embarrassing sports performances in U.S. history last night in Seattle? What the hell was that? Herb Brooks must've been rolling over in his grave watching Team USA look like they were being terrorized by Belgians.
BELGIANS! We literally stood there and got our a--es handed to us by a country with a population of 12 million. Belgium has the same population as OHIO! And we stood there looking like a bunch of chumps. On national TV. On apps around the world. I'm not even some knowledgeable soccer dork, but my eyes know what they were witnessing. That was pathetic.
It was so bad that a whopping 78% of those surveyed think the Browns, yes, THE BROWNS, will win a Super Bowl before Team USA wins a World Cup in the next 50 years. To be fair, I should've been more dramatic and made this poll for the next 100 years.
Based on the talents we're running out there, like 38-year-old Tim Ream, those who participated in the poll, make a good point by choosing the Browns. This country has a guy with a man bun in the goal box who is perfectly fine with getting his a-- lit up by some 125-pound Belgian dork.
If Timmy had a problem with it, he wouldn't have been caught in this position. Ream is allegedly 6'1, 180 pounds, and he got absolutely destroyed by a guy who needed to eat a cheeseburger.
If there's one positive to come out of this mess, it's that there are so many travel soccer jokes flying around. What we clearly need are more parents in giant SUVs burning vacation days to travel from Cleveland to Nashville to play club league games and then turning around and heading home, but not before playing a Sunday 4 p.m. match against a team in Cincinnati before heading back up I-71 and getting home at 10 p.m.
Why aren't there more travel soccer tournaments in Argentina like 12U baseball kids going to Cooperstown? If that's too far, why don't we send out kids to Mexico to play in travel tournaments? Or maybe even Colombia?
I'm convinced our kids need to suffer to get better at soccer. I want them swatting flies off their faces in some remote Argentinian village that DOES NOT HAVE A MICROBREWERY, so the travel soccer parents can get loaded after the matches and brag about it on Facebook/Instagram. In fact, I want American youths shipped off to Argentinian soccer camps for 10 weeks each summer. I want them to come back with back alley tats. I want them getting off the plane in Cleveland with finger tats and fake gold chains around their neck while wearing shredded stonewashed jeans.
Maybe we end up with a few late-teen soccer players with Argentinian baby mamas. That's just how this will have to go.
ESPN has reported that Argentina is known to use squalid living conditions to toughen up its youth.
Look, I'm all for it. Maybe these kids see a couple of dead bodies along the way. If WE want to win a World Cup before the Browns win a Super Bowl, it's going to take a generation of boys who have seen a few things to get the job done.
– Patrick D. writes: Mark Kelly is a weirdo, but in all honesty, why should anyone be excited to follow the pathetic U.S. men’s team? They were gifted the knockout round through favorable scheduling, aren’t one of the 16 best teams in the world, and made elementary mistakes in their biggest game in decades. They are an embarrassment.
READ: MARK KELLY PROUDLY BACKS TEAM MEXICO IN WORLD CUP AFTER BARELY MENTIONING U.S. MEN'S TEAM
If that was USA basketball, you all would be killing them. If that was an NFL team, you’d be killing them. If that was LeBron, you’d be killing him.
Instead, you’re giving them a pass because they’re a punch of preppy, Chad white guys or black guys that look like Corbin Bleu. You have to be an idiot to think there will ever be a day that US soccer matters as long as we’re sending 4th or 5th tier athletes to play…
Anyway, the moral of the story is, Mark Kelly looks dumb in that Mexico attire, but he’s not dumb for not supporting a team full of straight losers either …
– Lib Anthony couldn't wait to send this email: Everything Trump touches turns to… (you know it. I don’t even have to say it.)